Be brave and ask for help. The words came as a whisper spoken directly to my soul. But my shame imprisoned my heart and my mind. God breathed that my courage would find compassion. I knew I would have to dig deep and it would take someone whom I could trust with the sacredness of my story. Someone that would sit with me in my darkness as I unveiled my pain but then take me by the hand and lead me to the light. My therapist met me with great empathy. He pointed me to the hope and truth found in Jesus Christ. My intensive session was the best investment I could have possibly made. I walked away KNOWING and BELIEVING God loves me with a reckless and relentless love. Restoring the Soul was a healing balm sent by my loving Savior.
While I was there, part of my therapy was to envision my “safe place” so when my trauma gets triggered, I can go there and do some tapping and deep breathing. The first day when I closed my eyes, I found myself on a large boulder in the wilderness. The sun was shining its warmth on my shoulders and cheeks. There was a cool breeze blowing that made the leaves of the trees dance with glee. I could hear the birds singing delightful songs. The sky was the most magnificent blue and the clouds where whimsical fluffy shapes that floated by. After a few days of going to this beautiful place in my mind, Jesus showed up on the boulder with me. We were sitting cross legged on the boulder facing one another. We were looking at each other and smiling the happiest smiles. He was strumming the guitar and we were passing a bag of gummy worms back and worth. We had bottles filled with the coldest, freshest water I have ever tasted. Laying on the boulder next to Jesus, was a vintage brown leather suitcase with metal clasps. I remember the suitcase so vividly because when I was describing to my therapist how Jesus showed up on the boulder with me I yelled “And there was a suitcase! He had a brown vintage suitcase because He is going everywhere I go!”
The last day of my intensive, I woke very anxious about going home the next day. I was having these HUGE God moments everyday and my wounds were being healed. While I was in Denver, I stayed in the guest house of a friend’s family. The provision of that home was another amazing gift from Abba. The house was cozy and tranquil. The upstairs window had a view of the mountains, I would begin each day up there doing yoga and prayer. The kitchen window looked out over the backyard and the neighbor’s horse pasture. There was a fireplace I could sit in front of while I sipped chamomile tea in the evenings. I felt safe and at peace there from the moment I opened the front door. As a gesture of my abundant gratitude, I decided I would give the home a good scrub before I went to my afternoon session. That way, it would be ready for the next guest without my hosts needing to do it. Also, I do some of my best thinking, processing and praying while I am cleaning. I finished everything other than vacuuming the rugs. I thought I remembered seeing a vacuum in the coat closet. When I opened the door to the closet I found the vacuum and then the Spirit told me,“Look under those pillows and blankets.” When I pulled the pillows and blankets back, I laughed until I cried. Under that pile there was a vintage brown leather suitcase with metal clasps. Jesus made His promise to never leave me or forsake me come alive in such an intimate and personal way. His message of love was that even while I was walking a crooked mile, He was preparing a way home for me. He is my home and He is at home in me. I hopped on the plane the next day with eager anticipation of kissing all 6 of my babies and returning to the arms of my beloved husband. Eager to see what God would renew and restore next. Eager to pour out the love that God had poured into me.
A few weeks later, Brian and I headed out for a date. We decided we would go to a few antique shops before dinner. The first place we stopped at, we had not been to before. As soon as we pulled into the parking lot, Jesus told me, “My suitcase is in there. Go find it.” I was giddy with excitement. I did not tell Brian what I was searching for. He spotted something he wanted to check out and I headed in the other direction. It felt like the ultimate scavenger hunt. My heart was racing and my eyes were darting around waiting for the moment they would land on His suitcase. Then, my eyes found it. I giggled and leapt to get to it as quickly as possible. I picked it up and hugged it to my chest. I skipped off to find Brian to do a show and tell that would have awed 5 year old me. When I found him, he placed the suitcase on the floor to open it and look inside. He bent down and behind his head was an art piece of a guitar. Jesus loves me this I know. That evening after we tucked the kids into bed, we were sitting on the sofa talking and drinking tea. Brian questioned, “You did notice where the suitcase was made right?” I replied that I had not. He chuckled and said, “Denver.”