When I deny my pain and brokenness, there can be only a false and temporary comfort. This denial means putting on a “happy face” while screaming on the inside.
I am brave and courageous when I enter into my pain, when I examine my story. If my places of pain are not fully embraced, true harmony and deep joy can not be achieved. The brokenness remains alive inside no matter how many days, weeks or years it is buried.
I see it like visiting the sea, I can walk to the edge and let the water wash over my toes. This dip of my feet can lead me to believe I have fully experienced the sea. But I do not “know” the sea until I walk in, swim out and go under. One can say, “But I’ve considered my pain and the trauma I have endured.” But the act of considering does not bring genuine healing and wholeness. What I do not “know” can not be healed. Healing comes from entering into the depths of pain, not living in the shallow of facing it.
I have already lived through my story. The things that happened to me are not stronger than me, for I am stronger than them. I know this because I have survived. God does not ask me to dance through life when I need to rend my garments. He is with me when I go back to hold the hand of the little girl who was broken beyond comprehension. He is with me when I offer an embrace to the teen who believed the little girl who told her “Love is pain. Pain is love.” He is with me when I look into the eyes of the 20 something young woman who believed the little girl and the teen who told her she was damaged goods and unworthy of real love. I have known forty-three years of suffering. For all of those years, I have been required to put on a happy face.
God does not require my happy face, He desires to be with me as I heal. When I need to scream and cry and curse, He does not shame me but instead He holds me. I will continue to go back, I will not leave those younger parts of me behind stuck in terror and turmoil. I will be brave and I will heal.